Being in a defence family and living a defence lifestyle is something not a lot of people know about. And to be honest I don’t even think I fully know about it still.
I have been living this life for about 5 years now and it still hits me for a six sometimes.
Being wit’s someone who has chosen defence as their career doesn‘t rule your life but, it does have a major impact. It impacts the decisions you make, the city you live in, the holidays you take and even the posts you make.
It impacts a lot of things and many people deal with it differently- they find their way. Sometimes it’s a walk in the park but, for the most park it is inner battles, constant longing and being kept in the dark.
The dreaded goodbyes- hands down one of the worst parts about defence life. I‘m not going to sugar coat it- they fucking suck. The first few are by far the hardest, and although it doesn’t necessarily get easier, you learn to cope and adapt with each goodbye a little bit better. Perhaps it’s knowing that we survived the last one, so you know you’ll survive this one too. This too shall pass #amiright
Some days you will feel like superwoman and that you handled the day like a #boss ass bitch. Then you’ll have days where you want to curl up in the foetal position and sleep the next 4 months until their return.
You cry a lot and you get jealous of people who have their partners attend every birthday, funeral, dinner or celebration. But, you also get a little jealous of the people you know from back home. The ones who haven't moved away from their family - the ones who didn't give up everything they knew and loved for well.. love.
They have support in the hard times, celebratory dinners for the highs. They have someone to come bring them soup and do their washing when they are unwell and someone to lean on when they are unsure.
This I knew would be a struggle for me once I left and came to Sydney. The things we miss the most are often the things they take for granted. The luxury of having the opportunity to take the little things for granted.
When they are away the best thing to be able to do is find a hobby or a focus while they are gone. Find a way to love yourself and love your own company.
Truth be told, I actually like my alone time. I like the fact that I can reflect, get into a routine and do my thing. I like the fact that I only have to clean up after myself and Thomas.
I like being able to binge watch my soppy TV shows without a moaning Tom asking if he can put on the footy yet and I certainly like not having to hide my chocolate stash.
The goodbyes are hard but, they have taught me independence. Before being with Tom and beginning our long distance and defence life relationship I hated being alone. I always though that I needed someone but, I don't. I can pay the bills, deal with the car troubles, organise trips, do birthdays alone, survive hard times and flourish in the good … alone. I can raise a newborn and sort out his severe reflux on a broken ankle. I can because I am strong. I can because although I am alone, I am not. Tom shows his support from afar and encourages me to keep pushing.
The reunions are sweet. The sweetest thing you have ever tasted. The butterflies begin the day before - the anticipation. The relief of every "hello" is well worth the pain of every "goodbye".
"You chose this life" or "You knew what you were getting into" are comments and phrases as a defence partner you will hear a lot. I am actually guilty of using these phrases myself. Often it is to dull down the strength, power and struggle that is being a defence partner but, its also a way to stop the conversation. You see, a lot of people don't actually understand what our defence does or entails. I'm not sure I even completely understand it or the life we live.
You get a lot of questions and they expect a simple answer but, the truth is this life is not simple. It is anything but. It is hard work, effective communication, honest opinions, raw emotions, heartache, heartbreak, tears, love, longing, homecomings, nerves and reunions.
I did in a way - choose this life. Honestly, I didn't really know what I was choosing. I like many Australians had close to no idea what our defence force actually entailed nor did I have any idea what being a partner of defence personnel would entail.
What I did know was that I was choosing love.
I CHOSE TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO HAPPENED TO CHOOSE DEFENCE.
Because I chose to love this person doesn't mean I chose this life. It means I chose to support them in their career, opportunities and lifestyle.
I chose to move for his career. I chose to start a family knowing it would be hard and heart wrenching because his love is worth it.
It takes a special person to choose to join the defence and put that first before anything else in their life. Because you sign on the line and quite literally nothing else is more important that your job.
But, I also know it takes something and someone extraordinary to continue to love and support a defence member despite the struggles.
I hate seeing the supplies being packed, I hate watching him leave with his duffle bag and having the last kiss, the last goodbye and the last sleep next to each other. I look forward to crossing off the calendar and counting the days he is home.
To the serving - we respect you.
To the partners - we see you.
To the families - we support you.
The best thing to remember in this life when the going gets tough is that you are not alone. This is an important thing to note down because this life does get lonely; sometimes isolating. The people back at home don't understand and you feel like you cant eve begin to explain it - like no one will understand but, we do. I do. I get it.
We are here, we feel it too, we cry the same tears and feel the same longing.
It is hard - the hardest thing I have possibly ever done; to love someone who constantly leaves but, it is totally worth it.
This I am sure of.
Until next time,
Carly x
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