I was never very conservative about pregnancy and what it entailed for me. I felt like a complete shit show most of the time. Yes, it was granted with my broken ankle- couch bound- crippleness but, the actual pregnancy things were complete bullshit as well.
Most of this no-one tells you about until you are actually pregnant.
I would never go as far as saying I hated being pregnant because I simply didn't. I LOVED it. I hated not being able to enjoy it like I wished I could. But, I do also wish I was enlightened to a lot of things before becoming pregnant myself. It might have leviated some of the shock factor that came throughout. I wish more woman would be open and honest to the true side of pregnancy.
If you had or are having the perfect pregnancy - I'm truly happy for you and envious at the same time. You deserve to embrace having joy leak through your still perfect pores. For me - this was not so. I'm still convinced this is something they sell you to ensure procreation continues.
I was a sweaty, hairy ball of irrational hormones and sudden outbursts for the most part. You see, the truth about pregnancy is that every pregnancy is unique and different. It is an exciting time, you are quite literally creating life. But, sometimes your body does go "fuck you".
I was completely ignorant to what the first trimester was going to entail.
I was tired.. and I mean really tired. God damn exhausted! I was puffing after walking up the stairs to the bedroom (so, you can imagine what I as like walking up 3 flights to get to our apartment- NO THANKS!) I was light headed and dizzy a lot of the time. I wasn't sure whether I was going to vomit or devour a whole sponge cake for the most part. I was in an overwhelming state of nausea and moodiness.
And the bloating? Can we please just take a moment to realise that for me a lot of my clothes stopped fitting by 10 Weeks. Thankyou fluid retention!
Once you announce your pregnancy you will be inundated with advice. Suddenly all of your friends and family went and got themselves a midwifery degree overnight without your knowledge. Yes, they mean well but, no you didn't actually ask for all of their advice. Nodding and thanking them will become second nature.
They say second trimester is ALOT better than the first and I am also guilty of telling friends this. It is true- it does get better but, it's still pretty shit at the same time. The wave of hormones that take over your brain frequency is real. I would be chill one second and worrying the next. "What will the baby will wear when its 6 months old and it's the first Christmas. I don't have an outfit for that? Wait... do I need one yet?! I am so unprepared." Is just one of the irrational freak outs I had frequently. Your back pain only gets worse as your baby continues to get heavier, your hips will feel like they are about to pop off and your boobs? Yeah, they will feel like they have been filled with concrete and your nipples have been in vices. I stupidly thought because I was a G-Cup pre pregnancy that surely they wouldn't get bigger... they did. And so did my nipples that now resembled 50cent pieces and were a dark shade of brown.
The third trimester is where the nerves set in. The anxious wait of the impending arrival. You become a bowling ball, waddle and walk so slow you might as well leave 20 minutes before your appointment (this was quite accurate for me and my crutches). Baby brain is in full force and no, it does not go away after the birth. My son is 8 months old and I put his nappy in the wash and his pants in the bin the other day. This is possibly the most exciting time of pregnancy for me. I finally started to enjoy myself and embrac it all. The kicks in the ribs I treasured because I knew it would be over soon. The only thing I was lucky about is that I didn't hit the stage like most do. You know- the eviction stage? Where you are "OH SO DONE" that you would do anything including drinking castor oil to "GET THIS BABY OUT - LIKE YESTERDAY". I did however have a full week of “get the shelf up in the nursery- I’m not ready unless the damn shelf is up!” The shelf didn’t get put up in time in fact, the shelf is still not up! TOM - PUT THE SHELF UP!!!
Anyway, here are some things that are completely normal that you may look forward to:
- Discharge. It starts in the first trimester and it DOES NOT stop. Undie liners will become a regular on your shopping list
- Your nose will create a mind of it's own. If you’re not constantly blowing it, picking it or rubbing it due to excessive snot production it will be bleeding. Keep those tissues in your handbag at all times.
- Your immune system; hang on what immune system? Yes. Say goodbye to that old friend. It wont be present for a while.
- Your vagina will be swallen. Hot and swallen. Sometimes the pressure will feel like the baby is trying to make an early appearance. I assure you - it is not. But, your vagina is now double the size.
- Pregnancy constipation is the devil. THE DEVIL I TELL YOU. One time I was so constipated that I thought I was pushing so hard the baby might come out. The tummy pains were so bad I timed them thinking I was in early labour and I honestly considered putting my fingers up there and scooping the poop out. Get yourself a poop stool - it will help a lot.
- Your feet will swell and you may not be wearing your favourite shoes for a while (especially true for me)
- You will grow hair. A lot of hair. Whether it be on your head or your whole body (like me) it will grow. And it will come in hard and fast
- Everyone has an opinion about your size. Whether you get the "you’re so small and cute" or the more flattering like myself: "are you sure there is just one in there", "youre not going to be able to push put that big babe" - and some of these comments actually came from medical professionals that were my collegues. Get out Anne, I didn't ask for your opinion on my impending birth.
- There will come a time when anything belly button and under is no longer visable. I think its for the best - don't look.
- if you like to shave your legs or southern region.. just give up. No one wants a half mowed vagine - not even you. (and no the midwife will not care if you are hairy or not)
- you will sooner or later lose all dignity. whether it be in the delivery room or much earlier. Be prepared to let it go.
- You‘re bladder will shrink and your bladder control will go out the window. Start practicing crossing your legs when you sneeze or laugh hard.
- Pelvic floor ladies- This is something I didn‘t take seriously... TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY AND START YESTERDAY!
- Pregnancy farts will make shower farts smell like Chanel No5
- Your sense of smell will be that of a police dog. Tom was not allowed to wear his cinnamon smelling man spray. It was Revolting. Probably partly because he legit sprays it 10 times.. WHY?!
- Leaking boobs is not cute. It's exciting the first two days. Then its just sticky shirts and sheets.
- Every orifice you have will sooner or later Leak- get used to it. This is your life for a while.
- Sometimes a lady you have just met will have to inspect inside you. This is where some of your dignity will disappear. Just remember, it happens to the best of us.
- The get all the sleep in now advice sometimes will not work. Pregnancy insomnia hits most of us at one stage or another. You will sleep again (or so they say- I’m still waiting for that day)
So, there you have it. Just some of the incredible things that pregnancy has to offer. These are the things I was not prepared for. Things that I had not been told about that I wish I did.
Although I had what most would consider the pregnancy from hell where nothing else could of possibly went off course for us - I actually think it was worth it. He was worth it and he would always be worth it. Yes, pregnancy absolutely sucks and unless you've been there you cannot fully comprehend the toll we put ourselves through.
I mean, It must be worth it because we all keep doing it and going back for more; right?!
I just hope this honest truth about all things taboo has helped you to feel more "Ahhh, I'm normal" and less "what the fuck? why did no one tell me I would grow a black sail trail".
Until next time x
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