I'm one of the rare ones in this day and age and I never set out to be.
As a lot of the people around us are embarking on their own parenthood journey we have started to realise how common finding out the babies sex is these days. It's like it is almost expected that you will want to find out and, when you joyfully tell them that you are waiting until birth somehow, they are surprised. Shocked even. It's as if you have said something completely obscure and unreasonable.
When we would answer people with "We don't know - its human though" quite often we were met with a number of questions as to why we wouldn't want to know what our baby was. My answer was always the same... Does it really matter?
This is a question I still ask a lot. Does it matter? Why are we all so obsessed with knowing? Why is the surprise not worth the wait?
Don't misinterpret me either, I understand why people would like to know. I understand why a lot of my friends chose to find out. They all had the same answer - they wanted to be prepared. Although, I don't think that we were any less prepared than they were. But, I also accept that it is each to their own and that the technology is available so that choice can be easily made.
But, if I accept your decision to find out... why is it so hard for you to accept ours?
I even had a dear friend ask if she could find out if we were going to welcome a Miss or Mr as she couldn't handle the wait.... This was a little comical to me and of course I politely declined.
When we went for our ultrasound about mid way through our pregnancy the sonographer asked if we would like to know. We both quickly declined. To us, it was never an issue. Having a baby was surprise and joyful enough for us - something we could bask in. Finding out the sex was never a high priority. That and the fact that neither of our parents wanted to know which also solidified our decision.
As we declined the sonographers offer to be told the sex she was pleasantly surprised. She made a comment that was something like "you don't see that very often anymore. I didn't find out with any of mine either. You can only find out once - I think waiting is special". I agreed. Waiting can be special.
I am someone who does go with the flow but, I also ravel in control. In having a loose plan - knowing a rough outline of events. So, for someone like that - why didn't I find out? Why can it be beautiful to wait? Well, I'm about to tell you, in a few short points why it was right for us.
Reason 1: The loss of control
You know the very thing I said I revel in? I willingly gave it up.
And I didn't even drive myself crazy... maybe that was partly because my mind was on other things. Like recovery, learning to walk and when my next insulin injection was needed.
I knew that being a Mum would mean a constant loss of control. Why not practice...it makes perfect right?
After spending almost nine months totally in the dark about an incredible secret I could have found out, it was like I had endured Control Loss Boot Camp. Not finding out my baby's sex was a way to train myself as a new Mum to not freak out on those days when it felt like everything was outside my control. And those days come often. I have learnt to be less worried about the small stuff. I have learnt to stay calm and roll with it. Everything will be okay in the end.
Reason 2: Loving acceptance
Have you ever noticed that everyone has an opinion on which gender would be better for you to have?
"I hope you have a boy. Your partner must want a son more than anything. Someone he can kick the footy with" Did I hear you correctly? Like the gender has any actual effect on the activities they partake in.
"Hope it's not a girl. They can be so difficult. A girl will give you a hard time, especially when she becomes a teenager." Did you really just say that? The child hasn't taken his or her first breath yet.
When you're pregnant, everyone assumes you have a preference. The fact is, I didn't care what I had. I just prayed my baby would be healthy - I know what you are thinking... that's a total cliché. And it might be but, it was also true. After working so hard to even have the opportunity to welcome a baby the only thing we cared about was a healthy one.
And, what if you do have a preference and then find out you are expecting the opposite? Do you then spend months trying to accept it and regretting your decision?
First and foremost, your baby is a person, with a unique and beautiful soul. Want to prove that to the world? Wait to find out. Then people will be meeting Baby Thomas with the big bright eyes and cheeks that look like he is hiding lollies in them. They aren't just meeting the "baby boy" or "baby girl". They are meeting the little person that they haven't ad the opportunity to develop preconceived stereotypes or ideas about.
Reason 3: Colours are not gender specific
Despite the modern societies preconceived ideas and social norms, colours are in fact not gender specific.
In the words of Gwen Stefani, "Take this pink ribbon off my eye!"
Ever get a little sick of bubblegum pink and periwinkle blue? There's a whole colour palette to choose from, so why limit yourself? Why limit you baby by their gender?
The clothes my baby wore home from the hospital? A beautiful mint onesie with zebras on it. His wardrobe was yellow, green, grey and white.
After he was born, I must admit we did get a lot of blue gifts but, we never limited him to that. He wears a lot f purple and pink. In fact, his favourite colour is pink. We are parents that quite often will hold up two options for him to pick. I can tell you 9 times out of 10 he is picking the bright pink option. Which is why he will often sport a matching pink tracksuit and rock it like a badass.
Reason 4: You make some people nuts (+ it's fun, right)?
When people find out you are expecting, friends and strangers alike always ask, “What are you having?" It's most likely the second question to be asked. The first being "When are you due?". It can be quite thrilling to answer with a "I don't know".
This can be awesome because when you do know you often will hear a lecture on what it's like to raise a boy or a girl, complete with "advice," you'll instead hear, "You seriously don't know? It makes me crazy and it's not even my baby." "We actually don't care" you answer, "its not in our control" And you leave it at that and watch their minds tick with annoyance.
Reason 5: What if the sonographer was wrong?
Think that can't happen? I know someone who thought she was having a girl. She was told numerous times with numerous different ultrasounds. But I guess something special was hiding off camera, because lo and behold, she delivered a baby boy and brought him home to his pink butterfly bedroom.
Sure, it's rare. But can you imagine if they made a mistake? You might feel you were mourning a lost baby you never really had.
Reason 6: Connection to generations before us
For almost every generation before ours, women discovered the sex of their babies after delivery. These births had an air of mystery and magic. Loved ones paced outside, awaiting the exciting news, instead of reading about it on Facebook in advance.
Although almost everything about labour and delivery has improved since those previous generations, I like this connection to the sacred mystery of births that came before.
Whatever your religion, not finding out your baby's gender is an act of faith, supreme trust that all will be well and that ultimately you will have what you are meant to have.
I always say that you can only find out your babies gender once. Why wouldn't you want it to be the most precious moment of your life? When you meet for the first time.
Reason 7: A baby is never the way you would expect
Knowing your baby's sex might make you think you know what to expect when they're born. Wrong!
Any Mum knows that she never could have imagined the perfect and crazy uniqueness that is her baby. Waiting to find out allows you to fall in love with a new baby, rather than the preview report of a gender, which often carries with it stereotypes that your child might transcend.
For example, you might have a rambunctious baby girl who is always getting scrapes, and a cautious baby boy who would rather sit on the sidelines with a board book. We're having people, not pink and blue drones.
For us, it was an easy decision. Almost easier than the accessibility of finding out. Because that is so easy—there are ultrasounds and blood tests.
If you decide to find out, I totally get it. I almost caved only once after my fall, and that would have brought its own excitement, and maybe a gender reveal party. Or there might be a particular reason why finding out makes the most sense for you.
But if you decide to hang in there, I'm right there with you. And we're not alone. If you want to find us, we're the ones with the two names picked out, the frustrated friends waiting with intense curiosity, the ones crying euphoric tears of surprise in the hospital.
As a lot of you would already know we also had a birth photographer. One of my favourite pictures is when I found out he was a boy. Because, to be honest when I first delivered the sex of my baby did not even cross my mind. For a good minute or two I was just amazed at the beauty before me, my strength and I was quite frankly caught up in the moment. It wasn't until a few minutes after delivery and quite a few "oh my Gods" that I asked "what is it" and lifted his leg. I had already fallen in love. With one glance at his face, I was head over heels with him - as a person. As my baby not as a boy.
And, you know what? We had exactly what our family needed... the most beautiful baby, person and soul my partner and I could have imagined, inside and out.
Until next time,
Carly xx
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