"WHAT?! THERE'S ANOTHER TRIMESTER?!!!"
Well, yes. Yes there is!
In case you're thinking the fourth trimester is another 12 weeks of pregnancy no one told you about, relax! It's not.
Phew!
It is in fact the first 12 weeks of your babies life and yours too, as a new Mum.
For me, my heart was so full but, it was grasping for something, anything that could tell me what the hell was going on.
Hospital seemed so easy - a bubble. A bubble with so much help at your fingertips.. and then you go home. The midwives discharge you from their care at 10 days (insert freak out here), your partner who has (hopefully) been on paternity leave returns to work (insert more freak-outs) and you are left to care for this tiny human, so dependant on you by yourself (insert bigger freak-out).
The first 12 weeks is a time where you are supposed to mimic your baby's environment inside the womb, on the outside. Its a very crucial period where you learn your baby and your baby learns you.
I was honestly pretty oblivious. I did freak out about looking after a child and what that entailed but, I did also have unreal expectations. I thought that I would give birth and instantly know who my baby was.
After all, I did just grow him for 9 months - I felt him for the most part of that time kick, roll and hiccup daily. Surely, I would know my baby right? Wrong!
It took me almost 6 weeks to completely define my babies cries. It took me weeks to figure out how to rock and soothe him effectively. The expectation that I would know him straight away was ridiculous. After all he is a brand new person, a new life. Of course it would take time to settle into each other and figure out our new roles. To figure out our new identity.
I struggled a lot with the fact that some days I didn't know what he wanted.
I remember the first day we had alone. Tom had gone back to work and it was just Thomas and I - for the first time. I remember he cried, ALOT! So did I. I couldn't soothe him. When Tom came home I said "I can't do this". I was feeding every 3 hours like they said, changing his nappy, cuddling him. I remember Tom just saying "I think he is still hungry". How? I was feeding him. Just like they said. It was in that moment that I thought - shit, okay. Just because they say 3 hourly doesn't mean literally 3 hourly... That was all he wanted. More feeds. I didn't feed my baby enough on our first day alone.. great start.
It was also difficult for me to carry him around. I was still having to use a walking stick to be mobile so, a carrier wrap was used heavily. This resulted in me questioning myself a lot, I couldn’t carry him around like other Mothers... did that make me any less of a good one? And what did a good Mother even really entail?
It was a sweet and difficult season all wrapped into one. It was the biggest learning period I had ever had and this was all completely normal.
I wasn't the first person to become a Mother for the first time and I wouldn't be the last. Everyone goes through this "get to know you" period. It's trial, error and a whole lot of cuddles.
New Mums are surrounded by so many pressures in society. The pressure to feel good. To look good. To cope well. To have a baby who sleeps well, feeds well and settles easily. All this and the frantic pace we live our life these days means that we expect all of this to happen almost overnight. Like everything else in our lives - we expect it to fast paced and achievable. But, babies aren‘t textbook and each one is different from the next. They well and truly will do things in their own time which is not something I personally expected.
Add all this pressure to hormonal changes, feeding/latching complication, weight gain issues with your little one and sleep deprivation in a way I have never experienced and it's no wonder why new Mums tend to cry a lot.
The best advice I ever got was from my Mum. She had told me for the first three months it really is about getting to know each other, relax and cut myself some slack. We were both learning the ropes and we would get to where we needed to be. In our own time. She told me to love on Thomas, cuddle him and smother him with so much love. Because time will go quickly and in the process of doing my best and showering the love I had to give him; the get to know you bit will naturally happen.
I needed to focus solely on recovering and ENJOYING my baby. (and not vomiting after that 6 week check-up pap smear- EKK!)
Give myself some grace. I did after all, JUST GIVE BIRTH.
Slow Down.
The second best advice I was given was from an old friend. She had not long had her first baby and she said in the first 2 weeks when Tom was home - go out. Go for walks, dinners and lunches. Go in the car, go for a drive. It will help your confidence.
It really did help. I was confident to take Thomas out by myself and on the train once Tom went back to work because I had done it before. I had done it with him supporting me and to fall back on so, I knew it was okay to do alone as well.
We were pretty adventurous. In the first 6 weeks we had our first Train ride, Mothers group, Rugby game, Food truck festival, Hair dresser visit and a lot of restaurants.
In the first 3 months he had his first Movie, first wedding and his first, second, third and fourth plan trips. He visited Victoria and Queensland (the luck of having interstate family).
There is really no right or wrong in this process. Some days will be easy, sleepy and content. The next might be unsettled, loud and confusing. That is all okay, trust the process. There is a reason for this season.
Here is some things you can expect throughout your fourth trimester:
Your Body
This seems pretty straight forward: everything will be sore. No matter how you delivered your baby there will be parts of you that will ache. Really, really ache.
My stomach went down pretty quickly after birth and I think a big reason was the amount of fluid I carried. But, it was still pretty squishy and even a little wrinkly.
My boobs were bursting with milk. They were rock hard most days. I was baffled on how my already G-cup boobs could possibly get any bigger.
My hands were sore and bruised from all the cannulas and the sleep deprivation left me a little lethargic. Happy but, lethargic.
You're swollen. Your face(my nose- I still don't think it has gone down), your feet, your hands. I look at photos of newborn days and think WOW I was puffy. It's normal girl - it will go down and you will be yourself again.
Don't dwell on your physical changes no matter how hard that is to hear. Your time is better spent soaking in the gummy smiles, the button nose, the big bright blue eyes and the unbelievably soft skin. Everything perfect about the little human you just made. Plus, the squishy belly is a perfect pillow for your little ones head.
Your sleep
You will have broken sleep - even if you get that unicorn baby who sleeps through almost immediately. There will be nights where you have to wake up.. ALOT.
Especially those breast feeding Mummas. Night feeds can feel lonely. Like you are the only one doing this at this time. The world is asleep and you are there- feeding. Again.
Try to cherish those moments. Thomas has never been a good sleeper and I have adapted the mindset that one day he will sleep through and I will think back to all the 3am snuggles, bum taps, nappy changes and lullabies and actually miss it. All I want to do when that day comes is know I cherished it when I was in that season.
People will also ask you about their sleep as well. Strangers, family members, friends and health professionals. They will offer advice. A lot of advice.
When you are pregnant they say to sleep as much as you can because once your baby is here you won't get much of it. But, once your baby comes everyone seems baffled that your baby doesn't sleep through the night and they have ample advice on how to help.
Especially those breast feeding Mumma's. Night feeds can feel lonely. Like you are the only one doing this at this time. The world is asleep and you are there- feeding. Again.
They also say sleep when baby sleeps- sometimes that's perfect advice. I slept a lot when he did. Wherever we fell.
But, sometimes that's not possible. Sometimes you want to actually have a hot coffee, hot meal or just some me time to have an uninterrupted long shower.
Honestly, babies are babies and they are not biologically programmed to sleep through. They are not textbooks. Enjoy the sleepy cuddles no matter how exhausted you are.
Ask for help if you need it, talk to your support team, cry if you need to but, above all else remember you are not alone.
Your mind
Your mind will be all over the place. You will cry. ALOT. you will question yourself. ALOT.
You will have sudden freak outs and worries about your child being at school and getting bullied. Or worse. They are the bully.
You will think about irrational things happening to your baby like someone climbing through your second story window, somehow bypassing your sleeping partner, sleeping dog, then you and taking your child from their bassinet to then climb back down from the second story. Without you knowing.
All of a sudden, you get why your own mother freaked out when she saw you bolt near a busy street. Or why she turned off the TV when the subject got nasty.
You will never want to let them out of your sight because the world is a terrible place with horrible people and your child is so, so innocent. You will want to wrap them up and never let the world hurt them. Protect them forever. Anxiety and fear can paralyse you. This can feel absolutely overwhelming.
But, eventually they will get hurt and the world will harm them - all they need to know is that you will be there. Always be there.
You will feel lonely - so lonely. Go to your Mum's group. There you will find some friends. You can all go through the journey together.
I promise you that your mind will quiet down and you will eventually feel that you can conquer the shadows that feel so dark and colossal.
Your heart
Your heart will hurt, it will hurt with a love that you never knew existed.
For some people it hurts because apart of them is dying. The old them. The them before they had a baby. But, for me I never had that.
I feel like me before baby was confused. I didn't know who I was or what I was supposed to be. I didn't know where I fit in and then I gave birth. And I finally found who I was always supposed to be, I found my purpose, my calling. I was born to be a Mother.
Although I felt like this was me. This was right where I was supposed to be I still felt selfish when Thomas was crying but all I wanted to do was stay in bed. Especially when I was sick. But, I didn't. I got up and went to him because him knowing i will always be there was always more important.
It is such a worthy sacrifice. But it’s not easy.
A mother’s heart-change doesn’t happen like a light switch. It is forged in the sleepless nights, in the sweet snuggles, in the reflux discomfort, in the moments where this crazy instinct kicks in and you know exactly what to do. It happens when you make sure your baby is okay first and you think about yourself much later. It happens when the baby needs to feed again and you take your boob out and feed in public - despite your desire to keep your top on. It happens when your heart bursts with pride when you look at your sleeping, peaceful baby and you feel in awe that you made him.
And slowly, especially during this fourth trimester, you find that the core of who you are and what your future will entail. And you love the thought of the future more than you could possibly imagine. You would never go back, even if you could.
You learn to give yourself grace in the hard moments and how to soak in the sweet ones.
Especially those breast feeding Mumma's. Night feeds can feel lonely. Like you are the only one doing this at this time. The world is asleep and you are there- feeding. Again. Cherish that time. Thomas is only 9 months old and I already miss the chest cuddles and the nap in my arms - now he is just too curious to do that.
In these moments everything explodes: your heart with love, your mind with this new reality, and your body with, well, a new baby.
Personally, the fourth trimester was the most daunting and full on time of my life as I settled into my role as Mum but, it was also the most miraculous time. My baby on my chest asleep, my miracle that I could kiss and stare at, my rainbow - there is nothing in the world I would give for those PJ wearing, dressing gown on, rainy, on the couch days.
As daunting as it sounds that you will be responsible for a new life, let me reassure you: You will do great and you will be more than enough. even in those not so good moments.
You will swim. And you will succeed. Your baby doesn't need a perfect, has her shit together Mum.
Your baby needs their Mum. The Mum you were born to be. As long as you do the best you can possibly do on that day and in that season - even if that comes with tears and doubt, you're doing better than you thought Mumma.
We stand with you.
Carly xx
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