The working
Mum. Wow.
I didn’t
think I would be sporting this title so soon.
On one hand
I didn’t think I would have an issue returning, and on the other I wished and hoped in my heart that I could stay at home with my son forever.
Becoming
the working Mum, being the working Mum; how do I navigate that? How do I juggle all the balls and have none fall on the floor?
What does
a working Mum even entail?
It can’t
be that hard... right?!
Okay, let’s
just sit down and breathe for a second. Take it in.
I know
what you’re thinking - Mothers return from maternity leave everyday and the world doesn’t fall apart- but, maybe their world does.
This was
the case for me.
I think
returning to work was such a hard concept for me to grasp because we had always planned for me to be able to stay home for a full 12 months with Thomas.
But, with
the breaking of my ankle and numerous weeks off work our finances had other plans.
The thing
that made it so hard for me to accept was that the decision was taken away from me.
Some Mothers
itch to get back into the workforce and find their identity again- to be someone other than Mum. This wasn’t the case for me.
Before I
had always wondered who I was and what my purpose was in this world. I was always a little confused as to where I fit and what I needed to be and do. When I birthed my son I finally found my purpose. I found the person I was always destined to be. Mum. His
Mum.
I am not
a woman who lost any part of her identity when I became a Mother- I found it. I found every part of who I had been searching 24years to find.
So, when
the decision was taken away from me and it was quite evident that to live our life and support our family I would need to return to work; quite honestly I was deflated. I felt like I had failed.
I had failed
my partner, failed myself and most of all, failed my son.
I was in
complete denial for a very long time and I cried a lot. I apologised to Thomas at our 3am feeds with tears streaming down because I couldn’t be with him anymore. I felt lost- like I wouldn’t be comfort for him anymore because I wouldn’t be everything to him.
It was hard to let that go- the thought of being everything for him all the time and allowing the idea of a stranger taking care of a child I had worked so hard to get to know.
I had spent
9 long, grueling months growing him, 9 months raising him and loving him and now I was expected to just give it all up to a stranger? Or at least that’s how it felt.
I was in
such denial that I actually toured more than 5 centres (I won’t give you the actual number because that’s just ludicrous).
I had a
list of questions and studied the educators hard. How would I know this centre would be the one? Would he get enough attention? Would he like it and would he be stimulated. My anxiety was through the roof. After every tour I felt overcome with sadness and guilt.
It took
me a long time before I accepted and understood that this was okay. I was allowed to feel these things- I was allowed to be attached to my baby.
I did try
to confide in a lot of different people and the most advice I got was something along the lines of: “you’ll be fine once you start” or “after a few weeks you’ll look forward to alone time”. This is not what I wanted or needed to hear. I needed to know it was normal and it was justified.
I needed
to know that I didn’t have to explain why I was feeling this way or have reasons behind my anxiety that came with returning to work, or my extremely prevalent separation anxiety from my 9 month old son.
I needed to hear someone say “who is anyone to tell you when you should be ready to leave your baby” I needed someone to say “I understand”.
I never
really heard any of these things- except for one good friend. She was the only one to tell me these things were normal and I thank her for that.
Even though
I heard it from that one person I wasn’t sure it was true but, I did learn to listen to her wisdom. In my own time. With a lot of pain, guilt, confusion and suppressed emotions.
Going back
to work is hard, emotional, confusing and busy! Your mind isn’t what it used to. You will sit at your desk and look at the time and think “he should be going for a sleep right now”. This is normal.
We have
all been there- hell, I am still there.
To the Mother
reading this -
I want you
to know that I know this feeling. I know how it is to feel guilty as you dry your hair in the morning and the baby watches you from a bouncer and wonder if you have done enough. I know the sting that pierces your heart when you hand your precious little one
to their daycare educator and you catch excitement in their eyes.
That irrational
fear that your baby will think someone else is their Mummah. Or that this person is doing a better job than you.
Or—maybe
the most painful thought for me personally—that they know your baby better than you do.
I know the
fatigue that sets in when all you feel is guilt: guilty that you are going to work and leaving your baby crying for you, guilty that you want to go home early to be with your baby. Guilty when you miss a milestone or guilty when you’re stuck in traffic when they are supposed to be having a bath. Guilty when you forget about an upcoming meeting or guilty that you have to leave early because your baby is sick (in 3 short weeks of re employment I have already had to take days off for my son being sick- that’s parenthood).
Guilty that although it’s only been a month back at work - shouldn’t this feel normal by now?
Shouldn’t
you have the juggling act perfected? Shouldn’t the guilt subside?
Shouldn’t
your baby stop crying for you when you hand them over? Shouldn’t the intense stabbing like pain in your heart go away when you walk away by now?
I know that
sometimes you go cry in a bathroom when you are so very overwhelmed. Or you cry in the car after getting home and having to run to the chemist for more baby Panadol and it’s taken so long that you miss dinner and bedtime - I did this same thing just this week.
I know the
loneliness that settles into your heart as you learn how to juggle this new ‘normal’. I know the loneliness you feel when your coworkers are eating lunch together and you’re stuck in an office pumping- profusely pumping to get enough milk for your baby in a short time-frame.
I know you
question if you are good enough—good enough at work, good enough as a Mum, good enough as a spouse, because I’ve thought and felt and carried all of these emotions too.
These are
all very real and prominent in my life - I am still in this season.
Hear me, friend—
we may not know each other but I do know this: You were chosen to be your baby’s Mum. Chosen specifically for them.
All of who
you are—your passions, your fears, your job, your living situation, your marital status, your heart, your soul—is being used to create something so, so precious: a childhood.
You are
not a bad Mum for working. You are not a bad employee because you are a Mum. This is something that has only sunk in to me in the last few days and I hope you take this on too.
If you are
working a job you hate but you do it because bills don’t pay themselves, you are providing the means to create a childhood with a safe place to sleep and good things to eat.
And I pray
that one day, you’ll get to do the job you love the most—be it a different workplace or staying at home (like me- I would give anything to stay home with my son and ravel in his greatness all day).
If you are
working a job you love and you do it because you are passionate for your cause, you are providing the means to create a childhood where little girls grow up to achieve their dreams and little boys see their Mums and sisters and aunts and future daughters as equals.
Either way -
you are working because you are a great Mother and you provide.
You are
not alone in navigating this path, even though it can feel so very lonely sometimes. When the days blur together and the routine becomes mind-numbing, I pray that you will choose to see those days and moments as small pieces of a beautiful picture: the childhood
you’ve been entrusted to create.
Juggling
employment, work, a relationship and household duties along with a social life isn’t easy. Finding the perfect balance is still something I am striving towards.
I don’t
know everything about being a working Mum but, I do know that this is my new title and I will wear it with pride. My armour may get dented and the balls may fall but, I will straighten it up, pick them up and carry on.
Because
I am Mum and I can do this.
You can
too - together we can do anything.
Until next
time,
Carly x
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