Being in a long distance relationship is difficult. It takes commitment and communication.
Tom and I were long distance basically from when we met and that lasted about 2 and a half years before I moved interstate to be with him. Maybe by being long distance from the start helped us cope - that I can't be sure of but, I guess we didn't know how to be together any other way.
When we met, Tom had already received his next posting location, which was in Sydney. We dated for 2-3 weeks before he had to move. He was quite clear and upfront about this fact from the very beginning and I must admit I did think that once he moved it would be the end of us. I never actually saw myself being able to cope with a LDR - I had always been someone who said "I would never do that... I just couldn't". But, when I met Tom something was different; we both knew this was worth seeing where it was going. I didn't know how to be in or navigate a LDR in the slightest so, really I just learnt as we grew. Honestly, it was hard but, I always pictured it to be a lot more difficult than it was. I guess being so supportive of each other and our own lifestyles really helped us "work".
If you are in or have ever had a LDR you know that one of the things you will get most from others is curiosity (which often comes with ALOT of questions) quickly followed by sympathy.
I cant speak for others but, I do know that sympathy is something I never wanted or needed. I didn't need you to feel sorry for me that my partner was deployed or living in a separate state. Our relationship never actually suffered because of this - I honestly think this is what made us as strong as we are today. The distance helped us blossom.
When people find out about your relationship the most common question they would ask was "But, isn't it hard?" which was usually quickly followed by "but... don't you miss him?". The short and polite answer to these questions are yes and yes. It was extremely hard; sometimes brutal. Everyday was a constant struggle between intensely missing him and reminding myself why we do it, to being grateful I had something so special to miss.
Where LDR differ is that while most of you get to know your significant other in a few months and experience what we refer to as the "honeymoon period" we take twice sometimes, three times as long to figure each other out. From learning the little quirks and annoyances to knowing their favourite dinner (it took me months to find out Tom's). In a way this caused both difficulties and advantages. Yes, it takes a lot longer to really get to know each other inside and out but, the "bubble" so to speak also tends to last a lot longer.
I always tried to look at our situation with rose coloured glasses. I never thought about it as a negative. On one hand I thought I knew him completely but, he would actually constantly surprise me with funny stories or preferences. This for me was pretty exciting. How could someone I already love so deeply have so much more to offer?!
Coming from someone who lived and survived through a long period doing long distance, here are a few things I learnt and still implement in our relationship today.
COMMUNICATION IS KEY When all you have is your communication it becomes the most valuable asset. This goes hand in hand with trust. When all you have is words it becomes important to make sure you use them. I always say to people (and it may sound a little corny) but, Tom is my friend. My best friend before anything else. This is because we really got to know each other through conversation. Trusting the stability of the relationship and that the person on the other end is being loyal comes from having effecting communication. If we had insecurities we were forced to talk about it. There was no ifs, buts or hiding away. We didn't have the luxury of waiting until we were ready - we had to voice it there and then. And in the case of getting to know one another; that came through stories, jokes, experiences and familiar ground. Even to this day our communication is one of our strongest qualities. It's something we consciously made an effort to build on and consistently nurture. I don't think this is something that will change now that it is well established. This goes from talking about our day to raising issues within our relationship. We didn't have the luxury of "kissing and making up" after an argument. Hell, sometimes we barely even got a phone call a day. So, with this came our communication. We had to talk through our problems without letting our emotions or anger take control. I always used to say "we barely fight" which may be something some find hard to believe but, it was completely true. We didn't fight- we discussed. Now, we live together this is a trait we have tried to keep consistent.
UTILISE THE TIME The time you do spend together becomes sacred and precious. It is made up of memories that you will cherish and take home with you. Use your time wisely and don't ever take it for granted. Tom and I would try to see ea other on average every 2 months when possible. It might not seem like much to wait but, when you are living in the thick of it - it seems like a lifetime. Having an average schedule or time limit in between visits helps as a coping mechanism and allows you to cherish what time you do have. Spending a weekend together every 8 weeks isn't ideal but, we made sure we jam packed that weekend with restaurants, movies, sight seeing and good conversation. We built a lot of our foundations in those 2 days. Our goal was to leave that weekend feeling grateful and full of love for each other- we wanted to ensure we had given every moment together justice.
AIRPORTS BECOME A SECOND HOME I never really liked flying too much, that was until I had no choice. The airport becomes one of the saddest and happiest places when you experience a LDR. When you are waiting for your plane to go see the one you love or waiting for their plane to land - no matter how many times you have done it, I guarantee you will get butterflies. The anticipation and nerves are REAL. It's like the first time - every time. You make sure you look great, smell great and you smile so much you're face hurts. I know for me I could never let his hand go for a good hour after being reunited. It was like Christmas! But, on the other end of a visit was always heartache. The knowledge of how much you would ache for their presence again. The countdown would begin again and even after so long doing it - I still teared up every damn time. Leaving never gets easier but, with us I knew that every departure was one departure closer to having our life together. And I mean really together, in the same place kind of together.
WAITING IS SOMETHING YOU WILL DO QUITE A LOT Time doesn't pause or fast forward, no matter how much you wish it would. Which leaves us waiting a lot of the time. Waiting is something that will become second nature. Waiting for your visit to arrive. Waiting for them to come back from a trip. Waiting for a package to be received. And, there is nothing wrong with waiting. I mean, I waited months and months to see Tom again before with no knowledge of when he would be returning home. This was something that was sometimes quite difficult and, although i tried to stay positive would often get me down. It's okay to feel shitty about the fact that your friends can spontaneously go on dates but, you; you have to wait for that moment. Waiting can be torture or it can be a time of growth, I tried to use it as the second option which is where my next point come in.
GROW YOUR INDEPENDENCE Before i met Tom and began our relationship I hated being alone. My own company was not something I wanted or thought i needed. I would constantly surround myself with others so that i was never actually left alone with my own thoughts. Being long distance meant that I couldn't fill the void or my time with company like I always had in previous relationships. My own company was something I would have to learn to love. And I did - over time. With growing my independence came a lot of feelings and emotions I had suppressed for so long which entailed me to deal with and overcome my depression that had actually been pretty prominent for quite sometime (this is another story that I will do a whole blog on in the near future). Having the support of a partner but, also being forced into my own company allowed me to blossom into a confident person. I became sure of myself, got to know who I truly was and actually grew a friendship with myself. Loving myself was something I never did or even thought I was capable of but, with growing my independence - my love grew too. I would take myself to dinner or the movies and it was in these moments I became who I am today.
REMEMBER WHY IT IS WORTH IT Being without him on a daily basis did hurt my heart, especially when we had to go days or weeks without contact due to his career. Sometimes I didn't know where he was or what he was doing.. Was he thinking of me like I was thinking of him? Would he still feel the same about me when we did meet again? These questions were always on my mind but, I made a habit of always remembering why we were doing this. Yes, at the start we had no choice but, our love did grow stronger than ever. Our appreciation for each other grew stronger each day and it was worth it. He was worth it.
A LDR is challenging, complicated and needs a lot of attention and effort but, if they are worth it than, it is worth it.
We are now living together and more in love than ever. Our LDR allowed us to grow as individuals and as a couple. It was one of the hardest things I ever did but, staying positive and taking everything as a learning curve was essential. Being with someone that you are supposed to be with will always worth. Distance or not - that is my honest opinion. If you are willing to put in the commitment than distance will not be an issue, it will only be a hurdle that you will overcome.
Beautiful story 😍
Love love love love!!!!!!!